I got thoroughly lambasted by... what I would regard as one of my closest friends.

Due to a peculiar behaviour of mine, I would lose my inhibition of words when I'm with people whom I regard as the closest to me (purely from my point-of-view, in no way suggesting that the mentioned friend treats me as one), and thus would say what I would want to say, something which I do not always do.

And thanks to do, I got blasted to bits when I came up with words which was against my friend's opinion.
Honesty is the best policy?
Yeah, right.

That's for letting myself act free in front of a person whom I felt I didn't had to hide anything from.
I guess it didn't work.
I never had a good track record of that in the first place.

But I guess I'll never find out if it will work.
Because I'm just gonna remind myself to shut the hell up the next time the tiniest spark of thought that attempts to lure me into pouring out my heart's content surfaces.

I'm disappointed, really.
Of all the people I know, I have the most faith in you.
Or maybe had.

Don't say something you don't mean.
Don't say I'm somebody to you when I'm not.

Don't mess with my feelings.

I'm not particularly high in spirit these days. Been feeling fine for quite a while, and wham. Down it goes again.

I tend to get myself into trouble all the time.
I tend to cause havoc within my own mind.
I tend to feel over what I should not.
I tend to cry over what I need not.

But should it matter?

I know what I'm doing.
But I don't know what I'm doing it for.
I know the consequences will not be pretty.
But I'm not yielding.

Am I blind? Am I rash?
Or am I simply stupid?

Doing something that I very well know that will not be of any good, if not detrimental to me, and to everyone else.

What the hell am I doing?
I can only ask.
But can someone answer me?

Sometimes, I wonder if I will actually make a difference while I'm here.

Am I of significance to anyone, or anything at least?

Sometimes, I do really wonder.

If.

For some, it is so easy to destroy so much with so little effort.
For some, it is so break down in tears with so much pain.

For some, they will never understand how it could have happened.
For some, they will never understand why people would even be bothered.

For some, one of no value is none.
For some, wishes only to value the one.

For some, it is just over.
For some, it has just begun.

For the one,
Only begun to see,
The colours of Truth,

Ugly is all he sees.

I'm appalled by how some people can take so much pride for themselves with others' work.

They do not seem to realise that they do not even deserve what they were given,
much less the right to take pride for it.

"Often, when you get close to something you love, you yearn to merge with it as a way of fully personalizing your experience. Now, however, it's easy to get distracted by a variety of meaningful possibilities. It's more difficult to decide which one is most worthy of your intense focus. Your best strategy might be to just let it ride, for no decision is required. The pressure comes from your fear of missing a clue to unlocking the secrets of the universe."

That was my horoscope for today.
Surprisingly, it does answer a few things in my mind.
Considering how fickle-minded I am and being so indecisive all the time, I'd say it's a good thing this horoscope shed some light into my cramped little head.

Oh dear. I seem to have lost my knack of writing totally obscure and mind boggling entries. I seem to be able to do that only when I'm depressed or unhappy. But that seems to be good news, ain't it? :P

Have been horribly busy the past few days, was so occupied by school work that I barely had time to sleep. I managed to catch more of it today :P

Well in any case, I'll still try and blog nonetheless. But I think it would be pretty apparent that the style will be different from now on... or maybe not?

A long while at that.

I'll get my brain cranking for something to put up here.
Besides that I don't have anything else for now.

This post here is just to show that I'm not dead. Yet.

Nothing comes close to this.
Never before I have been stressed so close to the breaking point.
I guess when your life is on the line, it's just second to nature to stay alive.

There are still a few things I can't understand.
But what differences will understanding bring?
When everything is just my fault?

Numerically speaking, we are in a new year.

That said, nothing else is new.

People I know are still the same ol' people I knew.
Things I have are still the same ol' things I had.
The life I have is still the same ol' life I had.

Some things do change,
But some things just don't.

Oh.. I forgot something..

Happy New Year!

Was somehow tricked to go for the New Year's countdown in Bukit Bintang.
And man, it wasn't such a great thing.
In fact there's really nothing to like there.

All I got was getting pushed and shoved and packed like sardines.
I was already beat from yesterday's travelling and a round of futsal.
And this is the killing blow.

Knowing very well that this fatigue will no longer be able to be relieved by other means than myself, I'll opt for an early night's sleep.

Hey its only 3.40am, anyway.

I've involved myself into the unthinkables.

I'm addicted to Korean drama series.
And I just finished reading a book.

Korean drama series. A book.

!!!

But there were rather strikingly similar elements among them.
They were all about Love.
As well as Death.

I had a glimpse of what Love could be.
And how closely Death followed.

The book suggested that all great literature is about Love and Death.
Without them, great literature it is not.

To what extent is that statement true?
I don't know, but I'm starting to believe.

I have no rights,
to what is not mine.

Last night, I slept the latest ever since coming home.
This morning, I woke up the earliest ever since coming home.

Why did my past so easily resurfaced?
Why did my present so easily affected me?
Why does my future so easily worries me?

I never thought that I would end up sleepless.
I never thought that I would end up like this.
I never thought that I would end up just as rubbish.

My mum said that I lost weight again. I told her its because of my work. I didn't want her to worry. Because she had once been worried about me. But I know very well why. I know very well why I lost weight.

I'm a person with inferior physical build. But perhaps the reason why I have such a body is because I don't need a better one, because nothing physical bothers me. But psychological issues kill me.

I wish so much to be a part of another one's life. Perhaps I'm wishing too much of that. It was never meant for me in the first place. I have brought nothing but trouble and despair. Yet, I want more. I expect more. How stupid of me. How ridiculous of me. It was never my say to begin with. It was obvious it belongs to another person. Another person more worthy, another person more deserving.

Perhaps its just jealousy. Perhaps its just my incompetency. I have found nothing but sorrow and despair. It has found its own happiness and joy. I'm not being who I should be. I didn't give up when I had to. I didn't know when to stop when I had to. I didn't know when to stop expecting what I don't have rights to anymore.

I've been living in a cold life. A life which no one understands. I have everything I need. Everything except for a soul. I lived my life without a soul for the many years in the beginning of my life. But it was not long ago when I had a taste of flavoured life. I tasted life. Warm, sweet and wholesome. Unknowingly, it turned into my addiction. The more I tasted, the more I wanted. I crave for the taste I had, because everything else now doesn't have one. Its just back at square one. I lost the soul in my life, I'm living my life like before getting to taste life as a whole. The thing that drives me into my despicable behaviour is because I have tasted life with a soul. The same way a Rottweiler will crave for more blood once it has tasted it.

I'm no better than a drug addict now. Lifeless, filthy, evil and soul-less. Unable to control my addictions. Unable to see things clearly. Will do anything, hurt anyone just to get what I want.

My soul has found its home.
In the drain.

Don't be stupid.
And don't burden others with my stupidity.

Don't kid myself.
I'm not who I used to be.